Regaining self-trust after falling on your face
Have you ever taken all the facts into account, carefully took your next step and ended up with your face on the ground anyway?
It was the first time I’ve ever seen the famous South African “Hole in the wall”. It was majestic and terrifying. It’s terrifying because it is continuously harassed by thundering waves. It’s majestic because it’s an age-old rock formation towering amid the chaotic water. Unwavering. Just taking in wave after wave.
Low tide allowed us to safely walk/climb our way to the hole on sharp-edged rocks and slippery stones. I loved it. It felt like an obstacle course. I raced my way forward and received a little cheer from some bystanders on the beach once I made it.
Watching masses of water pulsing non-stop through the hole, spraying the rocks with a soft mist before settling down to make way for the next round, left me in both awe and a little unsettled.
Finding our way back to the beach was another story.
We decided we’ll swim our way back instead of balancing our way back on the rocky walkway. Once in the water, we realised that the water wasn’t deep enough to swim in. Which was good news! That meant we could walk out again?
It was an unpleasant surprise once we discovered we were on a rock bank.
Swimming was not an option as the waves kept on coming and the rock bank beneath us waited like pointy knives. We were stuck. We were in too deep to turn back.
Balancing and bracing myself for the waves, I carefully tried to decide where I can step next.
Once I found a spot that seemed safe, I timed the waves and I’d step out to my carefully evaluated spot. Only to find that what I saw as a flat surface was a sharp-edged, loose rock cutting its way through my skin. (Ouch!)
Then the process will start all over again.
Balance, brace, find a spot for my next step. Preferably a place with just sand. Take the step and find that the water was deeper than it seemed, it was only loose sand covering a barbed wire of a rock that was now making its way through my flesh as I try to find my balance again and brace myself for the next wave.
Since we were quite a few meters in, the way back to the beach was a constant evaluation, feel safe with the decision, step out and f*%#! Another bruise. Another cut. Another piece of skin pierced.
After suffering our way out, we collapsed on the beach. Bleeding, out of breath and a little traumatized (only me of course, yes, I’m a sensitive being).
How is it possible that something can be that deceiving?
Again, and again?
How is it possible that something can seem safe, easy and simple, only to find yourself on all fours, bleeding, bruised and trying not to drown?
Sometimes life is like that little piece of rock bank. Sometimes we make decisions based on what we can see. Based on the facts that are given to us. Based also, on our expected outcome.
Sometimes, once we step out into our carefully evaluated decision, we are taken by surprise by the outcome. Sometimes we considered everything before we choose a path, and then end up in a dangerous ally, or on that damned rock bank.
The reality is when you are on that bed of rocks, there is no turning back, there is no safe floating. There is just the next excruciating step until you make it to the beach.
This leaves us defenceless and in crisis mode. We end up feeling untrusting toward life and in a constant brace position. We lose trust in our decision-making ability. Leaving us insecure and unsure about everything in life. It’s hard trusting yourself again when you were so careful in making the decision that turned out to harm you.
It doesn’t last forever and mostly we know that. It’s just a rock bank, it must end at some point.
The difficult part is, however, letting go of that ‘brace position’ once you made it safely to the beach.
Letting go of the fear of the next step being as painful as the previous one.
It is difficult to trust that the bed of rocks will turn into luscious sand again.
It is difficult relearning to trust that the next decision will be safer and gentler.
It is difficult letting go of the constant fear and calculation. It’s difficult to trust again.
It is difficult but I want to believe that it is possible.
Possible to regain self-trust.
Possible to regain security.
Possible to relax into safety again.
Possible to see the world as a safe place for you to thrive in.
I am glad I wasn’t alone when I tried to make my way through the bed or rocks (or was it glass, knives, barbed wire?).
And brave one, you don’t need to be alone either.
Be good to yourself ;